Doing it all for ?

As I prepare to spend what may be my last night in this apartment, I have a sense of how fortunate I have been. Yesterday Kitty, Huyen, Vivian, Stephanie came helped me move out. Lettie, Elizabeth and others told me that I have a place to stay when I return. Two people offered to store my truck for me. Two willing to sell it for me. I am taking with me on my journey a bike given to me by Michael on a bike rack from Huyen. I've had the privilege of stewarding two properties including the SA Zen center. I participated in the shaping of a sacred space, a place of worship, healing and beauty.

  So why am I giving up my home again, getting rid of many belongings and heading off to Oregon and Washington for an extended stay of indefinite duration? I trust that the love and support I've received will not evaporate. Heading the call of my heart and soul, I decide to trust the source of all with the outcome. I take heart too, knowing that I am connected to an extended global network. I have deep ties of commitment to people working to for healing and liberation. Increasingly I'm aware of a bond with other facilitators and trainers of "Nonviolent Communication." And for more than 20 years I have been part of a movement, advocates and activists dedicated to transforming the mental health system and with it, the way we treat people who have experienced trauma, or are experiencing overwhelming distress.

  Ghandi once said “Recall the face of the poorest and weakest man you have seen, and ask yourself if this step you contemplate is going to be any use to him.” I dream of a world where this type of caring is common. Our market place culture encourages a consciousness where we try to gain resources for ourselves and our circle without considering the impact on the wider community or future generations. Our drive to glean resources has had a strong deleterious effects on our ecosystems' ability to sustain health for our children. We participate in a system that invites us to think of people as objects, a system of rewards and punishments that keeps us treating each other this way. The violence of this system, of our way of being together and the resulting suffering cries out for healing and liberation. Something better wants to emerge.

  I've tried to withdraw my support from oppression systems. I wish to use what is given to me to to support healing and liberation. So for 23 years I've been participating in a nonviolent revolution aimed at transforming and humanizing the "mental health" system. Recently I was invited to present a workshop for a conference in September in the South of Wales, celebrating the 25th anniversary of the "Healing Voices Network." (HVN) and NVC have many shared values. Even if I don't make it to Wales, I intend to remain connected to HVN.

  Also on a global front, I have two "brothers" who live and serve in the "3rd world." One is NB Kartki in Nepal, the other is Tedesse Hussein in Uganda. If nothing else I wish to find ways to offer support through our connection by means of empathy/ honest self expression. I do believe after all, that the greatest gift any of us can give is our presence. The question is" "what does it mean to be present?."

  And with all the wonderful opportunities I am given, I realize that my consciousness, attitude and skill need care. That is the reason that I am headed to the Northwest for a summer or a year or so- to get support for the learning and development I have been gaining through my education of "nonviolent communication." It's part of a longer journey I have been on. I have witnessed the growth of spiritual awareness in me slowly over many years. I have come to value my faith and the cultivation of my consciousness as my most prized possessions.

I also notice how difficult it has been to keep them as priorities. I have been distracted or fallen back into cultural conditioning. I have often acted on fear instead of faith. I have watched myself progress in communication and relationships ("being peace" valuing others AND myself), but can so easily revert. Last week, I really blew it. Heat, lack of sleep, frustration, and I found myself speaking and acting in ways that were common in my home growing up ... and not reflective of how I want to be in this world.

The next day I reconnected with my intentions. I reset my course. If I would renounce temper tantrums of any kind. I would cease the coercive use of painful emotions. In times past I have chosen the crazy strategy of responding with happiness or at least faith and gratitude to all my experiences. In these times I decided to have faith that God would take me exactly where she needed me. Whenever I have done that, the outcomes have been amazing, often miraculous.

So it baffles me how often I have returned to ways of worrying, trying to get it right/ be perfect, getting resentful, indulging self pity.. "Why should I be any different?" You ask. Yes, everyone I know also does these same things. So I am compassion for myself and us. And I choose to keep showing up with as much love and happiness as my consciousness will allow. THAT is why I keep working on my consciousness. THAT is why I am taking this crazy step, following my heart despite some internal voices that try to take care of me with all kinds of warnings and criticisms intended to get me to straighten up and fly right.

Fortunately I intend to choose the former. I don't think I was born to follow the ways of society. It's been said of me that I march "the the beat of a different drummer." Actually its far more than one drummer. When I tune in, I hear symphonies, or marching bands, or fabulous choirs, offering me beauty, meaning and purpose.

Gotta go, the band is calling!