UF Shabbat Connections, Bliss and Visions

Christopher aka Qayum (his Sufi name) is visiting from Germany.  My guest he knew that I have missed attending worship services since my accident.  He knew that mostly I've only "attended" services via online live streams.  He asked if we could go to service tonight. I gave him the choice of Temple, Synagogue or Hillel.  I told him what to expect at each. He chose the student led service at Hillel. 

We were both pleased with his choice.  There was so much beauty, warmth and welcome there. The welcoming embrace eminated from her and Julie the other worship leader. I don't remember the last time I saw such a more heart warming smile as the one on Jackie's face. Julie, played guitar and led us singing all modern melodies to age old prayer rituals. Jackie expressed gratitude for the energy in the room tonight, and credited each of us for our part in creating it.

Shabbat, it is said is a taste of heaven. It was that tonight for sure. I trust that everyone present was impacted by the Shabbos bliss.

I didn't think it could get any better.  When service ended Jackie told me how much she appreciated my harmonies and my voice.  We carried the good vibrations with us from the sanctuary to the social hall where we enjoyed a "Russian Shabbat Meal".  In addition to yummy food, there was delicious conversation.  The young women sitting next to me told some things about how an auto immune system disease had played in her life. We compared notes on laughing at things that don't seem too funny. I very much hope I''ll be able to learn more from her..

Qayyum and I found new places during the meal too. I shared my impression of a Shabbat talk heard the week prior via online streaming- of a Jewish leader from Poland. Qayyum shared his impression on changes in German generational attitudes regarding the holocaust. I was encouraged to hear another account that younger Germans had insisted that their country "face" the unthinkable things that happened there.

I felt myself wishing, praying that our country would become willing to "face" and heal the violence that comes out of our history. I left imagining our country coming to terms with wealth and power built upon of kidnapping and enslavement of Africans and near genocide of Native Americans. Yes it's heavy stuff, but how enLIGHTening to have a Shabbos dream of my country becoming free, heal and move beyond the violence of racism that continues to plague the USA.
Reflecting I realized that Qayyum had told news that from the ashes of the holocaust, in a generation or two a potent healing force emerged. This touches me personally and encourages me that something beautiful might yet grow from what seems to me to be the way my life (and body) got pretty busted up.

This Jew loves Christmas

How could I do it? How could I reboot Fivelspiel with this post?! Oy, I would have a lot of explaining to do, if I had any readers. As an adult I have begun to appreciate Chunukah, and "Happy Holidays!" is fine, but my heart loves Christmas. Despite that most damn UUs are just as Christophobic as most Jews, Christmas is what led me to UU. But that's another story. How do I savor Christmas? Let me count the ways. I used to write letters. Were they long? What do you think? Some people called them epistles. They weren't merely a recount of the year's adventures. They were my best attempt to give my heart. I have been solo most years. My gift to myself and those I love has been to reach out with love. Christmas cards, too. It's been years since I've done that., although every year I say "this year right after Thanksgiving, I'm going to..." I always always make it to at least one Christmas concert. I always watch a Christmas movie, one that makes me cry. It's the tenderness, the extraordinary tals of people extending themselves, and remembering what is really important in life. It's the break through the ice or more accurately the ossifying, the hardening of heart. The healing of hard feelings that leads us to live with great distance between ourselves and family members, even when they live across town or under the same roof. These help me to try one more time. One more time with "him".. I will stretch to find a way to find the tenderness. Christmas movies are good for that. Talked to my mom tonight, tenderness and tears there. I'm surprised and glad she has stayed around this long. I can't imagine what it will be like when she is gone. And Christmas music, OY! A couple of times in my life, I accumulated quite a collection. These days there are Holiday music channels on tv, radio, satellite radio, and computer. And I listen to as much of it as I can. Oh, over the years I started getting into Chanukah a bit too. Most of my life,.. not so much. As for Solstice, man those Christians were smart to put Christmas at this time! I love bringing in the evergreen. Better yet is outdoor rituals. I love woods all the time, but in December they speak to me of Christmas. For me Christmas is where its at. There is no other holiday that even begins to come close to it's beauty and power. I miss having a congregation most at Christmas. The Christmas eve service I led for 6 years in SA was like none other. They were created by an interfaith community. There was heart felt sharing of traditions, homegrown music, crafted into the shape of Christmas There were special traditions in San Antonio, like Posadas. .. but I don't really miss SA... just Stephanie, and Michael, and Huyen.... and...quite a few others..

Doing it all for ?

As I prepare to spend what may be my last night in this apartment, I have a sense of how fortunate I have been. Yesterday Kitty, Huyen, Vivian, Stephanie came helped me move out. Lettie, Elizabeth and others told me that I have a place to stay when I return. Two people offered to store my truck for me. Two willing to sell it for me. I am taking with me on my journey a bike given to me by Michael on a bike rack from Huyen. I've had the privilege of stewarding two properties including the SA Zen center. I participated in the shaping of a sacred space, a place of worship, healing and beauty.

  So why am I giving up my home again, getting rid of many belongings and heading off to Oregon and Washington for an extended stay of indefinite duration? I trust that the love and support I've received will not evaporate. Heading the call of my heart and soul, I decide to trust the source of all with the outcome. I take heart too, knowing that I am connected to an extended global network. I have deep ties of commitment to people working to for healing and liberation. Increasingly I'm aware of a bond with other facilitators and trainers of "Nonviolent Communication." And for more than 20 years I have been part of a movement, advocates and activists dedicated to transforming the mental health system and with it, the way we treat people who have experienced trauma, or are experiencing overwhelming distress.

  Ghandi once said “Recall the face of the poorest and weakest man you have seen, and ask yourself if this step you contemplate is going to be any use to him.” I dream of a world where this type of caring is common. Our market place culture encourages a consciousness where we try to gain resources for ourselves and our circle without considering the impact on the wider community or future generations. Our drive to glean resources has had a strong deleterious effects on our ecosystems' ability to sustain health for our children. We participate in a system that invites us to think of people as objects, a system of rewards and punishments that keeps us treating each other this way. The violence of this system, of our way of being together and the resulting suffering cries out for healing and liberation. Something better wants to emerge.

  I've tried to withdraw my support from oppression systems. I wish to use what is given to me to to support healing and liberation. So for 23 years I've been participating in a nonviolent revolution aimed at transforming and humanizing the "mental health" system. Recently I was invited to present a workshop for a conference in September in the South of Wales, celebrating the 25th anniversary of the "Healing Voices Network." (HVN) and NVC have many shared values. Even if I don't make it to Wales, I intend to remain connected to HVN.

  Also on a global front, I have two "brothers" who live and serve in the "3rd world." One is NB Kartki in Nepal, the other is Tedesse Hussein in Uganda. If nothing else I wish to find ways to offer support through our connection by means of empathy/ honest self expression. I do believe after all, that the greatest gift any of us can give is our presence. The question is" "what does it mean to be present?."

  And with all the wonderful opportunities I am given, I realize that my consciousness, attitude and skill need care. That is the reason that I am headed to the Northwest for a summer or a year or so- to get support for the learning and development I have been gaining through my education of "nonviolent communication." It's part of a longer journey I have been on. I have witnessed the growth of spiritual awareness in me slowly over many years. I have come to value my faith and the cultivation of my consciousness as my most prized possessions.

I also notice how difficult it has been to keep them as priorities. I have been distracted or fallen back into cultural conditioning. I have often acted on fear instead of faith. I have watched myself progress in communication and relationships ("being peace" valuing others AND myself), but can so easily revert. Last week, I really blew it. Heat, lack of sleep, frustration, and I found myself speaking and acting in ways that were common in my home growing up ... and not reflective of how I want to be in this world.

The next day I reconnected with my intentions. I reset my course. If I would renounce temper tantrums of any kind. I would cease the coercive use of painful emotions. In times past I have chosen the crazy strategy of responding with happiness or at least faith and gratitude to all my experiences. In these times I decided to have faith that God would take me exactly where she needed me. Whenever I have done that, the outcomes have been amazing, often miraculous.

So it baffles me how often I have returned to ways of worrying, trying to get it right/ be perfect, getting resentful, indulging self pity.. "Why should I be any different?" You ask. Yes, everyone I know also does these same things. So I am compassion for myself and us. And I choose to keep showing up with as much love and happiness as my consciousness will allow. THAT is why I keep working on my consciousness. THAT is why I am taking this crazy step, following my heart despite some internal voices that try to take care of me with all kinds of warnings and criticisms intended to get me to straighten up and fly right.

Fortunately I intend to choose the former. I don't think I was born to follow the ways of society. It's been said of me that I march "the the beat of a different drummer." Actually its far more than one drummer. When I tune in, I hear symphonies, or marching bands, or fabulous choirs, offering me beauty, meaning and purpose.

Gotta go, the band is calling!

Tearing Down and Packing Up

I am about to set off on another adventure; back to Oregon and then Washington where I will spend time as an "NVC" apprentice. I'll find various ways to support my continued training, and development of skill to become a Trainer of "Nonviolent Communication." I'll be seeking support and opportunities to practice facilitating "Compassionate Conversations" (for congregations, organizations, communities, individuals, couples, and families.) This summer, I'll return as a volunteer at the NVC Family Camp in Vashon Island. Then I'll likely to do some volunteering with the Freedom Project www.freedomproject.org.

Additionally I need to get on the road soon, (as few days as I can manage). I accepted a volunteer position pre-fair at the Oregon Country Fair, (OCF). This isn't part of my NVC training per se. I've dreamed of returning to OCF. It's the place / event where I've experienced the greatest sense of connection with a "tribe" of people living for peace, compassion and sustainability. In the past I worked in "community village." CV consists of nonprofit orgs that serve the community. BTW, the event raises much money and offers great support to numerous community projects.

Wondering why/ how I do such crazy things? .., short answer: I have learned that my ability to contribute to bring about more peace, love and fulfillment to others is directly impacted by my ability to bring these conditions from within me. I am committed to moving forward on both fronts.

Before leaving, I've needed to get a lot of work done on my properties, and I've been my own contractor. I've made many trips to Guadalupe Lumber and the house etc. As I do this I'm also delivering items to friends. Some of these were give aways. A few things (like my painting on silk of Krishna and gopis) will be held for me.

I'm plugging along clearing out this apartment. I've been wishing for more help, but haven't been clear even how or when to ask for it. In Seattle, I will be needing to finding a place to live as well as sources of income. If you have any suggestions, . please let me know. Want to offer more or different help? .. to contribute and participate in the work of sharing "nonviolent communication?" If you have any creative way that you want to help me continue as I'm doing, please let me know. If you know of someone who needs to have a nonprofit organization (behind me) before they can make a major contribution,.. let me know.. I'll work on it.

Otherwise, please say a prayer for me or visualize sweet outcomes for me. I couldn't do what I do without a community of friends and companions who love and support me!